The Recap
So the 30 is almost over, me being 30 years old I mean, and in couple of days I will be turning 31 years old.
Good or bad 30 is an arbitrary milestone in our minds. For me it was and still is, even though I have lived it and it did not feel much different than other years. It was as different as 28th and 29th were.
How did I feel about being 30? I felt old, in a very good way. There is a quality to growing old in your skin that I can not describe. I do not have the energy that I used to have when I was in my 20s anymore, and trust me it is the best thing that has happened to me in life next to discovering Tiramisu. I need to budget my energy, so there it goes
1) work to pay my bills
2) clean my house
3) socialize and travel once in a while.
So that means energy wise I can not afford to:
1) think too much about little details in life
2) argue too much about useless intellectual shit
3) stay up so late.
Just like 3-4 weeks ago in a party, I danced only to half of the songs and then by 12:00 am I had the Cinderella urge to leave the party. Because staying up after 12:00 meant that I would wake up late the next day and the preparation of presentations for the next week would be delayed and therefore my grocery shopping and therefore my laundry and so on. So yeah at 30 you become a real grown up..
On a more personal level what happened to me at 30? A lot I suppose or maybe nothing. Nobody disappointed me so you see that is a lot but in actuality nothing happened.
So I am going to scribble down couple of things that happened to me while i was being 30 years old in a very random manner:
A) I went on a cruise to Bahamas and as stupid as it sound I might go on another cruise, it is the gift of universe to the lazy people who like to travel. you do not even have to look for a place to eat ( trust me sometimes that becomes a big pain in a group trip).
B) my brother took my digital camera and moved to South America. In other families people steal better things and move to South America.But my family has always been a bit of loser ,when it comes to lying,stealing and cheating and I am not even sure if that is a virtue.
C) A friend of mine revealed to me that she is dying to have an affair, a very simple one of course, since her husband of 3 years is the only guy that she has never cheated on. I told her not to go for it,because it will never be simple and she might end up regretting it for the rest of her life. That is it, this time around I did not approach the issue from my moral high grounds, because I do not have any. Thirty means becoming practical. A marriage is an investment in time,money and emotions and an affair no matter how simple it might be;is too big of a risk to be worth taking. If the marriage is not worth your time/money/emotions bow out of it with grace, do not let OTHER circumstances end it. Have I ever mentioned that no one in my family has ever gambled or have the slightest interest in gambling?
D) A coup and a following uprising has happened in my country,and for the first time in 100 years nobody even remotely related to me and my family ( even an acquaintance) is on the run, in jail, going to exile, stripped out of all his/her basic human rights under house arrest, executed or burning their Russian Novels. Just for one simple fact: pretty much all the living members of my family and our family friends live outside Iran and most of them can not even write their names in Farsi. This time around the only price we paid was a lot of tears, and return of nightmares and memories that all of us sincerely thought were suppressed after 80s ( dahaye shast) ended.
Btw: Can someone explain to me why my family has no problem gambling their lives so that the world becomes a better place but barely takes any risks when it comes to other matters in life?
E) I went to a silent retreat and did nothing but meditate trying to think about nothing. For a week I did not talk, read,no ipods, or computers. It was tough, at one point I caught myself during the act of emotional eating.I never knew that I was even capable of finishing my own plate and then I found myself overeating. I had no other of way expressing my emotions. At the end though it was great, something changed inside of me. I am not exactly sure what it was and how did the change happened. But it was good, it still is...
F) Not that I ever was big on drinking. But recently I have noticed that I can not be an honest drunk anymore. My job had taught me to hide my emotions very well, I have learned to pretend that people's death makes me extremely upset and is shocking when in fact I knew it was coming and at that point was a way better option that life. Alcohol is supposed to have disinhibitory effect on people and make them feel like their real selves. Twice in a row after having couple of beers, and considerable amount of shots. I continued to laugh and pretended that i was enjoying hanging out with friends and then have rushed to the bathroom started crying, at one point I even kicked the door of my bathroom in rage and then came back to friends all smiling. I have learned to control myself even when i am drunk, and worst of all I am not a happy drunk anymore...
G) This one might not make any sense to anyone. But after all these years, once and for all I have ceased to see the empty chairs. I used to see them all the time. In a party, in restaurant, in bars. But one day we were in a party and it was packed and even though I have always managed to see empty chairs even in packed parties, this time around there was nothing. It is as if an empty hole in me has been filled. I am too old to look for things and people who do not exist anymore I suppose
H) I sat in front of a man who was empty and was not capable of feeling anything. I explained to him how people felt and how he had to react to them. He thought about it and realized it was true and acted upon my advice. I still can not believe it but this man did not react to any outside stimuli. He reminded me of Dexter
I still do not know what has happened to him in childhood that had made him so devoid of emotions,but I command his ability to let his head become his heart in the absence of it.
I) I have grown into a less confused version of myself.I read a lot of history these days, a lot. What I have realized is that at the end of the day nobody is all that innocent and not that many of us will go to heaven, if there is any.
.... to be continued I meant Life
Good or bad 30 is an arbitrary milestone in our minds. For me it was and still is, even though I have lived it and it did not feel much different than other years. It was as different as 28th and 29th were.
How did I feel about being 30? I felt old, in a very good way. There is a quality to growing old in your skin that I can not describe. I do not have the energy that I used to have when I was in my 20s anymore, and trust me it is the best thing that has happened to me in life next to discovering Tiramisu. I need to budget my energy, so there it goes
1) work to pay my bills
2) clean my house
3) socialize and travel once in a while.
So that means energy wise I can not afford to:
1) think too much about little details in life
2) argue too much about useless intellectual shit
3) stay up so late.
Just like 3-4 weeks ago in a party, I danced only to half of the songs and then by 12:00 am I had the Cinderella urge to leave the party. Because staying up after 12:00 meant that I would wake up late the next day and the preparation of presentations for the next week would be delayed and therefore my grocery shopping and therefore my laundry and so on. So yeah at 30 you become a real grown up..
On a more personal level what happened to me at 30? A lot I suppose or maybe nothing. Nobody disappointed me so you see that is a lot but in actuality nothing happened.
So I am going to scribble down couple of things that happened to me while i was being 30 years old in a very random manner:
A) I went on a cruise to Bahamas and as stupid as it sound I might go on another cruise, it is the gift of universe to the lazy people who like to travel. you do not even have to look for a place to eat ( trust me sometimes that becomes a big pain in a group trip).
B) my brother took my digital camera and moved to South America. In other families people steal better things and move to South America.But my family has always been a bit of loser ,when it comes to lying,stealing and cheating and I am not even sure if that is a virtue.
C) A friend of mine revealed to me that she is dying to have an affair, a very simple one of course, since her husband of 3 years is the only guy that she has never cheated on. I told her not to go for it,because it will never be simple and she might end up regretting it for the rest of her life. That is it, this time around I did not approach the issue from my moral high grounds, because I do not have any. Thirty means becoming practical. A marriage is an investment in time,money and emotions and an affair no matter how simple it might be;is too big of a risk to be worth taking. If the marriage is not worth your time/money/emotions bow out of it with grace, do not let OTHER circumstances end it. Have I ever mentioned that no one in my family has ever gambled or have the slightest interest in gambling?
D) A coup and a following uprising has happened in my country,and for the first time in 100 years nobody even remotely related to me and my family ( even an acquaintance) is on the run, in jail, going to exile, stripped out of all his/her basic human rights under house arrest, executed or burning their Russian Novels. Just for one simple fact: pretty much all the living members of my family and our family friends live outside Iran and most of them can not even write their names in Farsi. This time around the only price we paid was a lot of tears, and return of nightmares and memories that all of us sincerely thought were suppressed after 80s ( dahaye shast) ended.
Btw: Can someone explain to me why my family has no problem gambling their lives so that the world becomes a better place but barely takes any risks when it comes to other matters in life?
E) I went to a silent retreat and did nothing but meditate trying to think about nothing. For a week I did not talk, read,no ipods, or computers. It was tough, at one point I caught myself during the act of emotional eating.I never knew that I was even capable of finishing my own plate and then I found myself overeating. I had no other of way expressing my emotions. At the end though it was great, something changed inside of me. I am not exactly sure what it was and how did the change happened. But it was good, it still is...
F) Not that I ever was big on drinking. But recently I have noticed that I can not be an honest drunk anymore. My job had taught me to hide my emotions very well, I have learned to pretend that people's death makes me extremely upset and is shocking when in fact I knew it was coming and at that point was a way better option that life. Alcohol is supposed to have disinhibitory effect on people and make them feel like their real selves. Twice in a row after having couple of beers, and considerable amount of shots. I continued to laugh and pretended that i was enjoying hanging out with friends and then have rushed to the bathroom started crying, at one point I even kicked the door of my bathroom in rage and then came back to friends all smiling. I have learned to control myself even when i am drunk, and worst of all I am not a happy drunk anymore...
G) This one might not make any sense to anyone. But after all these years, once and for all I have ceased to see the empty chairs. I used to see them all the time. In a party, in restaurant, in bars. But one day we were in a party and it was packed and even though I have always managed to see empty chairs even in packed parties, this time around there was nothing. It is as if an empty hole in me has been filled. I am too old to look for things and people who do not exist anymore I suppose
H) I sat in front of a man who was empty and was not capable of feeling anything. I explained to him how people felt and how he had to react to them. He thought about it and realized it was true and acted upon my advice. I still can not believe it but this man did not react to any outside stimuli. He reminded me of Dexter
I still do not know what has happened to him in childhood that had made him so devoid of emotions,but I command his ability to let his head become his heart in the absence of it.
I) I have grown into a less confused version of myself.I read a lot of history these days, a lot. What I have realized is that at the end of the day nobody is all that innocent and not that many of us will go to heaven, if there is any.
.... to be continued I meant Life
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on Sunday, September 27, 2009 at 4:37 PM.
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