a book of ordinary people

Most people do not lead a miserable life
they are just miserable people going through life...

Labels: blackhole

"Sometimes it is absolutely necessary to hate yourself.. to be sick and tired of the very person that you are. Sometimes you should stop accepting yourself the way you are, you should stop loving yourself and taking yourself at the face value.
Sometimes you gotta hate your own guts, the very person that you are
the self destructive , self loathing person who makes the same mistakes over and over again...
Really sometimes a bit of anger comes in handy and can be extremely healthy.."

Labels: blackhole, ordinary stories

Inherently I am an extremely competitive person.... I am so competitive that I stopped playing Basketball in Junior High despite being chosen to play for best teams in our city ,because I was sick and tired of myself dedicating all my life to the game and personalizing the opponents' every move and trying to come up with a revenge even outside the court...
Once when I was nine years old I lost in a monopoly game and I went to the restroom and start crying .. everybody was shocked, even the kids my age...
I compete in everything be it work, school, sports, number of books that I have read....
I competed with my older sister almost all my life until I proved to everybody that I am a better student than her.
I competed with my cousins on the father side until finally last year in my grandma's funeral I received more congratulations than my cousin for getting into grad school..
But the more I look at myself the more I notice a pattern...
I have never ever competed in anything with my best friend, we went to the school with each other and none of us knew how the other one did in the class, we both assumed the other one is a good student. All i cared was to see was her happy and the same is true about her.. to me my best friend was and is a true genius and I am just lucky to be her friend...
I never ever competed with my cousins in my mother side, there was no point.. Everybody knew we ( me and my siblings) are smarter, because my mom was an overachiever..
After I gave up the basketball I took up Badminton and I never ever cared if I won or lost, I only played it cause i could have time to myself..

Apparently I compete with the people and for the things that I don't particularly care for.. I just want to make sure that I have proved myself
So the question is :" Does the competitive personality stem from insecurity??"

Labels: blackhole

وقتی که کودکی بودم

من آسمان را باز کردم

وچتر خواب خود را بافتم

پونه ی چشم دو زن بودم

یکی مادرم و دیگری را نشناختم

روزنامه ها را میدیدم

و نمیدانستم که روزی خبرهایشان برایم خاطره خواهد شد

نه بر در ختی

نه بر خانه ای

سیگار زندگی را باتوتون مرطوبی پیچیدیم

من,

مادرم,

سفره نداشتیم

وروی زمین انباشته از خاک,چاشت می کردیم,

و اگر بود, درسفره ی گل دار زندگی را می چیدیم

نه چون پراکندگی میوه ها در بازار شهر....

اما زندگی من,هنگامی بسته شد که در آب حوض خود را دیدم

ماهی ها آن روز,با رنگ های مرطوب زندگی

به گلگشت رفته بودند

احمدرضا احمدی

Labels: blackhole

Labels: blackhole, scooters

I stay up late for various reasons... talking to people, coffee, endless talks with my best friend who lives in the wrong hemisphere, god forbid studying, guests, god forbid reading books, movies...
I am a night person anyways.. i can stay up for no good reason, just like going hungry for no good reason...
but i am not a morning person, in fact i hate getting up from my bed sooner than like around 12 p.m...
but apparently the world does not work around my biological clock..
I have to wake up and leave before 9 am...
i stay up late.... then i wake up kinda early, i am cranky... i drag myself to wherever i am supposed to go..
i resist the coffee up until 2 pm...
by 2 p.m i start seeing blurry and get a huge MOCHA...
the Mocha takes a while to kick in.. and somehow refuses to leave my body....
i go to bed around 11:30 pm.. i stay up until 2 pm.. rolling around..
the next day i have to wake up and leave before 9 am...
then flirt with Asian guys and promise them to have kids with them after menopause, i come
online and start blogging, i even argue on behalf of illegal immigrants and their right to access health care.. some people believe i have to go to Law school one day, when people want someone to Bullshit they just send me up front and i answer the questions that i don't even understand with such confidence that the asshole professor believes that i actually know something...
the other day somone told me that my biggest problem is that i am very confident in myself..
My parents call me and i tell them that i am the happiest person alive, and put my phone on speaker when my dad starts talking and giving me advice for half an hour and go online and chat with other people..
most of the times i wish i was a normal person, who only types with two fingers and lives a normal happy life, and have some actual goals....
my sister told me the other night that she can never figure out what went wrong with me? " i mean you were on the right track when you were 18, what happened??" she thinks i have some sort of genetic defect... she believes i refuse to grow up and be a part of the real world.. i have even told her that i had given up on blogging, i have told her i have changed.. she thinks blogging world is full of pathetic people and losers.. she wants me to break free..
Wine gives me headache, beer makes me happy..
my dad barely drinks beer; he believes its the drink of low lives.. Wine on the other hand, is something that you can smell, you can look through, you can sip , you can enjoy...
i think i am a low life.. i just want to wash everything down...

Labels: blackhole, ordinary stories

We have a basketball game tomorrow..
everybody in the team is Asian..
well we have this Mexican dude too..
we already offered our boys and girls to buy them drinks when they lose..
one of the 5 3" Asian guys was rehearsing fake faints and injuries today..
he was studying about it in the library, and researching online..
i suppose thats how Asians play Basketball!!!!

Labels: blackhole

There is something fundamentally wrong with people with BOBs and Bangs..
especially if they are real estate agents..

Labels: blackhole

Ignore me for the time being..

Labels: blackhole

Conjunctivitis, otitis media, and sinusitis
Husky voice, aching tooth..
Anybody wanna come over ???

Labels: blackhole

Letting go is hard yeah i know..
but holding on to something that is not there????

Labels: blackhole, scooters

I lied to South Bay People, I told them I am staying in East bay for the holidays to catch up with things!!!
I lied to East bay people, I told them I am staying at home going nowhere to catch up with Things...
I drove to south Bay called this gal who doesnt know any of my friends and family and we went out had Sushi, drank , had cigaret; despite coughing like crazy...
The next day I went shopping all by myself...
The South Bay people called, I told them I am in East bay
The East Bay people called I told them I had to go to South Bay for a family matter...
I spend the whole day by myself...
I had dinner with my brother
He told me he is tired of his life
I offered him to go to Thailand..
he said " A smart man runs away from Cheshm Tang girls, he doesn't pay to have more of them.. "He said : " I want to do something that I am passionate about ..." He said he always wanted to be like Marlon Brando in God Father...
He said he wanted to put his skills into some good use, he feels like he is being wasted as a programmer..
We decided to go to blockbuster and rent Godfather and watch it all over again, maybe he finds some inspiration... I told him i dont want to go back to east bay, that I am done with school... i simply dont want to go back,.. he persuaded me to go back using logic and stuff..
I drove back to East Bay.... called my friends in south bay and apologized for not being able to make it to the dinner party once again, calling my family and apologizing for not being able to meet up with them because i was sick in the east bay..
I called my friends in the East bay , and apologized for not being able to go clubbing in the city with them because of the family engagements...
I lie to people, a lot... the ones who love me forgive me , the ones who dont get hurt..
None of them understands that I just want to be in my own No-man's land..
that most of the times i spend time with THEM, because i know how much they hate to be alone... because i feel bad for them..
other than that.. i dont mind being alone at all...

Labels: blackhole, ordinary stories

ته باغ ما ، يك سر طويله بود . روي سر طويله يك اطاق بود ، آبي بود

Labels: blackhole, ordinary stories, scooters

at the beginning it is out of curiosity
then it becomes an obsession
at the end you find yourself an addict..

Labels: blackhole, scooters

And I had the recurring nightmare that
I lost the chance to be a better man
because I was loved for the person that I am..

Labels: blackhole, scooters

I was sitting in the clas...
the news came...
i didnt know how to react...
i got what i wanted, but not what i desired..
i wasnt shocked.. i wasnt even surprised..
yeah i was dissapointed..
yet again... i lost a friend..
i lost someone that i loved..
to anger and self destruction...
i got up and went to bathroom... the tears were ready to roll down my face..
then i looked at the mirror.,. and i knew that really i wasnt going to go on with it anymore..
i was standing where i wanted to stand, i was happy, i loved my life
i wasnt going to care about the people who dont care about themseleves anymore..
i came back to the class..
i didnt listen to the lecture..
i talked to a friend..
i told her everything...
even the being over part...
she gave me a hug...
i would never figure out why they did what they did..
even if they explain it to me..
its life..
we all go on...
i have a life to live and lead on..
they do too...
they are people.. normal people , they make mistakes..
they will live with that..
i dont have to live with them anymore...
and so life goes on!!

Labels: blackhole, ordinary stories