a book of ordinary people

Inherently I am an extremely competitive person.... I am so competitive that I stopped playing Basketball in Junior High despite being chosen to play for best teams in our city ,because I was sick and tired of myself dedicating all my life to the game and personalizing the opponents' every move and trying to come up with a revenge even outside the court...
Once when I was nine years old I lost in a monopoly game and I went to the restroom and start crying .. everybody was shocked, even the kids my age...
I compete in everything be it work, school, sports, number of books that I have read....
I competed with my older sister almost all my life until I proved to everybody that I am a better student than her.
I competed with my cousins on the father side until finally last year in my grandma's funeral I received more congratulations than my cousin for getting into grad school..
But the more I look at myself the more I notice a pattern...
I have never ever competed in anything with my best friend, we went to the school with each other and none of us knew how the other one did in the class, we both assumed the other one is a good student. All i cared was to see was her happy and the same is true about her.. to me my best friend was and is a true genius and I am just lucky to be her friend...
I never ever competed with my cousins in my mother side, there was no point.. Everybody knew we ( me and my siblings) are smarter, because my mom was an overachiever..
After I gave up the basketball I took up Badminton and I never ever cared if I won or lost, I only played it cause i could have time to myself..

Apparently I compete with the people and for the things that I don't particularly care for.. I just want to make sure that I have proved myself
So the question is :" Does the competitive personality stem from insecurity??"

Labels: blackhole

All i had was a bowl of noodle by myself in a small restaurant in Chelsea , there were not that many people in there... there were even two other guys eating by themselves... one of them looked at me , smiled and went back to reading his book... Funny how you are never truly alone even in your loneliness...
Today is the 4Th day that I am taking the PPIs , its not a big a deal just a simple acid reflux.. nothing new for me or my family.. The pattern is there, the history is there and so is the cure..
All I have to do is to abstain: from Coffee,ice cream, occasional cigarettes, Hookah, and shots of Vodka.
I just don't know why all of a sudden it came back after all these years? It's the stress I suppose..
Something out there is bothering me, or maybe its a host of factors!!!!
Dad has finally sold our house after all these years, and so there goes the last piece of attachment to my city... it seems like we are being wiped out of the memory of the city that we used to belong to. There is nothing to go back to, if i want to go back one day I have to become a tourist and check into a hotel ....

My writing professor emailed me and asked me how I am doing? I just told her I havent been writing lately... I told her i am busy with other stuff, I think I lied and I think she knows it.. I don't write much anymore, cause I don't find enough motivation or reasons to write..
I used to write to get away from the world, I used to write to create my own world, I used to write in search of happiness...
Now I have surrendered to life.. I have sushi with people who I have not much in common and cant even have a decent conversation with, but then that's reassuring. Just to live in the moment, to know that after this meal there wont be anything else... that all you have is some Sushi.....
I used to write to prove something to myself, I used to write in the hope of changing the world..
Now I just sit back and watch people, I go to bars with them and watch them drinking and mingle.. I don't talk much anymore.. I just watch...
But then I lie I still write here and there; in school newsletter's satire column, in my head , on scratch papers and napkins . Its just not a part of my life the way it used to be, now its more of a habbit, like smoking after drinking..

My sister is back after her long sabbatical from normal life, I don't argue with her anymore.. I don't even ask her about the two years that she was away, and still don't know why she came back... I live in my own island and so does she...

My uncle called me to wish me a happy new year, and told me he knows I will make it ... That he has faith in me, and knows that I will never give up...
I told him if anything not giving up has been my vice.. I just don't know how to give up? and sometimes it gets irritating... the other day I made the professor apologize from the whole class, because the problem that he gave our group was wrong. It just didn't make sense to me, I couldn't figure it out..I made him admit to being wrong in front of 80 people, maybe because I want to think at the end I dont get anything wrong!!!

I don't know where i am going from here but I know its not far away....
I just know I can always go to a noodle shop by myself or others and smile at the other lonely customers, because in some strange ways, Deep down we are always lonely, but never alone in our loneliness

Labels: ordinary stories

بوی باران، بوی سبزه، بوی خاک؛


شاخه های شسته،باران خورده، پاک؛


آسمان آبی و ابر سپید، برگ های سبز بید؛


عطر نرگس،رقص باد، نغمه شوق پرستوهای شاد؛


خلوت گرم کبوترهای مست، نرم نرمک می رسد اینک بهار؛


خوش به حال روزگار...

Sometimes I want to race the time...
Sometimes i want to win the race....
sometimes i even pretend that i don't live in a mediocre world, and am surrounded by mediocre people...
Sometimes I like to write different endings for what happens around me....
Sometimes I wish I could live outside my head....

Sometimes I even try to find real answers to my questions...

Labels: ordinary stories

Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…

وقتی که کودکی بودم

من آسمان را باز کردم

وچتر خواب خود را بافتم

پونه ی چشم دو زن بودم

یکی مادرم و دیگری را نشناختم

روزنامه ها را میدیدم

و نمیدانستم که روزی خبرهایشان برایم خاطره خواهد شد

نه بر در ختی

نه بر خانه ای

سیگار زندگی را باتوتون مرطوبی پیچیدیم

من,

مادرم,

سفره نداشتیم

وروی زمین انباشته از خاک,چاشت می کردیم,

و اگر بود, درسفره ی گل دار زندگی را می چیدیم

نه چون پراکندگی میوه ها در بازار شهر....

اما زندگی من,هنگامی بسته شد که در آب حوض خود را دیدم

ماهی ها آن روز,با رنگ های مرطوب زندگی

به گلگشت رفته بودند

احمدرضا احمدی

Labels: blackhole

One day i am gonna get grown and have a kid.... i donno how, thats to be decided..
but then i am gonna name my kid " NO NAME.." and i will raise him/her....
My kid will grow up with a lot of issues and eventually will go to therapist and blame and his/her name for all her/his issues..
the therapist will help him/her to solve his/her problems...
and then he/she will change his/her name, forgives me and move on and will live a happy healthy life...
One day i am gonna make a good mother

Labels: scooters

( tonight is Bahar's B.Day and we are at her place!!!! she is hitting me on the head.. i will let her take over)

hewo!!!!! i am turnin 11!!! Linda (my pimpley,slaping,goozing wierd cousin. i wonder what made her my cousin. because i am a little,cute,adorable ,kissable little girl. :) (\_/)
(="=)
(")_(")
that is ym signature panda!! hehehehehehehehehehhe.L would never no because she is soooooooo. if you were to be a chos or a gooooz which one would you be? i would be a chos because then i would be silent but deadly like a snake eating a rare species of a L.
and what is the difference between an amo and a daie? the daie is older and amoos are younger. doncha no da anchient remedy to noing about our sacred uncles??? you must be a nut.(like L)
WELL L SI A GOOOOZOOO AND I AM AN ADORABLE LITTLE CHOS SO CACHA LATER. EVEN L THINKS I AM ADORABLE AND NOT BITARBIATE AS SHE IS. SHE GOT THE DRUNKADOODLES. IT IS DEADLY LIKE A STAWLKING CHOS