a book of ordinary people

I manage Pain and I manage death , three times a week from 8:30 to 12:30. The first day I read through my case and cried, he was an eighty something year old grandpa, Rock of the family. And he didn't want to go on, " I want to die with dignity and in peace." He wrote, no more chemotherapy for him. We have discontinued all the medications that down the line and according to studies will help decrease the morbidity and mortality. His kids still want him around, he is all that they have left after their mother's death some ten years ago. But he is adamant, he wants to go. I read through the notes , I go over his history, his profile and write up my case . I present him to the team we discuss him, make the necessary adjustments , document it and move on to the next patient. We manage pain, bowl movements, sleep, and sometimes inflammations if they are making them uncomfortable. Pity conditions like Cancer, cardiovascular disease, diabetes and all are out of the picture unless they are making the patients a bit uncomfortable. There is no more of Dr.I calling them begging them to check their blood glucose and taking their insulin. What is there to be afraid of ? Losing your sights to diabetes? or kidney dysfunction? Nobody will monitor their lipid panels, they can eat whatever they want , nobody is trying to prevent a stroke or MI.
The first day they gave me a pamphlet about death; and how it is a slow process, most of the time the body knows about it months ahead of the time. It starts to withdraw from the world more and more , memories of the old friends and the people who are gone starts resurfacing and sleep starts to increase. Yeah some people die suddenly without no warning but a lot of people get the prep course before checking out the door.
The first day I cried, I shivered , I was shocked for the first hour. But then something came upon me, something peaceful. And I have to confess this is the first time that my job is actually making sense to me. Working for the people who know what they want out of their lives: Nothing but dignity.
3 months of working in the hospital left me confused , what the hell was I doing there? Cheating on death? At the end of my stint there "G," asked me if I have realized that Medicine is more of an Art than a Science. I shook my head, managing life is an art, and I don not know if our overtly scientific minds can handle that. Yeah there are couple of exceptions like "L," who can handle anything . Long ago he has learned how to be only himself and not anything more or less, and does his job purely based on science and somehow that brilliant mind of his creatively solves the problems. He gives it his all, but then not that many of us are as intelligent or as passionate as he is.
So yeah here i am sitting at my desk, where they can't even afford to even give me my own personal computer and I have to share it with my mentor ( funding is very tight here), and enjoying my job. I do not even look forward to the diabetes or asthma clinic, I want to leave managing life to the others who appreciate it. I am happier with the people who do not fight the pity fights and value their peace above everything else. I feel like I belong amongst the people who are fearless above it all...