a book of ordinary people

  
Andy put the phone on speaker so we can all hear what the cop was telling him.  The cop said that he was really sorry to be the bearer of the bad news and wanted us to know that the whole department took the matter really seriously and then hung up on him.
  Lindsey asked :" So?" and Andy responded :" they found the body last night."
Lindsey knew in her heart the night before that something was wrong. Justin was her little brother in college and then left for war, she tried to stop him but he didn't listen to her. The morning of the day that they found his body, he posted a goodbye message on his Facebook account and then took his own life..
  We sat down and talked, I told Lindsey that he ,Justin, did not mean to hurt anyone he was just in a lot of pain. Andy was shell shocked, he is a finance guy and unlike us hospital people he has never had death staring at his face so bluntly.
  We headed out to brunch and talked, and then I did split and headed down south to my friend's baby shower.
  In the baby shower I held my other friend's happy baby in my arms and joked to her mother that she should audition for American idol, the baby loved to sing or maybe make noise. And then after that I was off to an after party, staying up late to the wee hours of the night...
   The next day I had brunch with another friend and then came back home and locked myself inside the home for hours...
    And then my anxiety was back, it was as if I was going to take the board exam or something like that...
 I couldn't sit around, and worse I couldn't eat. And somehow all this did not bother me.
  The lack of appetite and anxiety dragged on to the week and it took me one week to realize that I did not bother to sit down and grieve through a loss....
   Sometimes I scare myself, I have become a person who goes from a funeral to a baby shower to a party to a Sunday brunch without finding any of it emotionally unbearable.
  There is a switch up there that was turned on and an emotional barricade was erected at my job that somehow I am not able to turn off or bring down..
  I have crossed the line of being a human and have become a professional and I am not sure if it is serving me very well in my personal life ( Whatever it is..)
     Truth be told, deep down I envied Andy for being so shell shocked. It just seemed so genuine ,human, and normal.

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 20, 2013 at 9:34 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.