a book of ordinary people

  You know what breaks a heart, its not cheating , backstabbing, lies , fraud , grief or loss....
   No I have been through it all and have never felt it up until now....
       Where I am just sitting idle and watching that the very people who have been there for me when I was down and about and needed help came to my rescue,  are suffering and me not being able to do a thing about it ....
    What can I do but to watch them going down and lose it all, and all I can do is paying for  having Thai food delivered to their place, in a show of solidarity and love?
  I have always been the one who would come in to the rescue when everything and everyone else failed, I was always able to find a way out to help people get through the worst. And now there is not a single thing that I could do, last night I called a high school friend crying I told her that I need some faith in my life and its really hard to come by and she responded :" We are people of science , faith does not work for us, you need to make an equation out of it and try to solve it."
   But how do I make an equation out of uncertainty and unknown ?
     For the first time in my life I do not where to go and have lost control over life and it is breaking my heart ......

 And there it was, for the first time in my life I didn't fight tooth and nails to get the things done. When the higher ups refused to cooperate, I did not use all my charm, logic and ration and maybe a bit of manipulative powers to persuade them otherwise.  I just told my people to let it go and watch out for themselves, because " when and if shit hits the fan, nobody is going to back us up, not the people who turned us down. "  When we walked out, one of them was visibly upset.  I told him that we did all that we could and they left us no choice but to do nothing. I drove home and forgot about it in 10 minutes..
   I have yet to recognize the person that I am becoming: the girl who lives in a small town, stays in a semi-boring but very safe job with no desire or plan to leave it anytime soon, and has no fight or ambitions left in her....