a book of ordinary people

- Are you there?
- Yup, always .....

   She handed me back the phenylephrin drips  " he passed away" she said. I yelled out :" Hey , M hopefully you did not make all those Bi-Carb drips, he is dead." And M assured me that she did not. I went around IV room and collected all the IVs that were meant for him and went to his account to credit it back to his account. And all of a sudden realized the absurdity of it all, he is gone and I want to make sure that he is not billed for the medications that was not used for him. He is gone...
  25 y.o male, acute renal failure, and liver failure,  probable DIC......
   Amphetamine and alcohol binge...
  We all knew that he was a goner, in the morning the nephrologist wrote in his report that he has already talked to his mother and sister and it seemed liked that the mother knew there is not much hope left for him.
  It was the end of my shift so I went to the restroom to change out of my scrubs into my street clothes and then I broke into tears. I just couldn't help it, he was so young. I wish I could see him beforehand to tell him that things will get better with age, that yeah he is still going through a very painful stage of life and I could explain all the latest neuralgic theories about the pains of growing up. How we are losing some of our neurons at that age and brain for lack of a better word is confused and is till trying to figure things out. Nothing is where it is supposed to be, but its fine. Adolescence and early adulthood is a very painful stage of life to be in.
 I cried all the way back to home which is a less than 10 minute walk.( I am fortunate enough to be able to walk home from work). I looked at the people sitting in their cars and thought :" What if it is the last time that I will be seeing any of these people?" and I thought of his mother, how many times did she have to let go of him to lose hope and then regain all her strength to try to save him, just to lose him again and again and finally letting go of him an hour ago? How can you do that? How can you lose a child? How is she going to go  through the rest of  her life? I just tried to feel her pain, but can I? I know, I know he is in a better place. He made a choice and all, yeah but what of this very moment? When I give a wrong order to Starbucks guy and have to explain to him that i am a bit out of it.....
   When I remember my grandma who said of the time that she lost a daughter to cancer :" I went on a religious pilgrimage for six months, and left everyone behind." that's all that she ever said of her pain.
   When I ask god to make me strong enough to be able to carry all the grief and sadness of the world in my heart so everyone else can live a little...
    Every time one of them goes away, she/he takes a piece of my heart with them....
Rest in Peace B.W...

1- He said sometimes he jokes with his children :" You guys killed my dreams,"and I responded " That's what I usually tell my dreams : you guys killed my children. "

2.  The problem with my life is that I really don't see any problems with it anymore. I live in a sleepy small town, working in a semi-dead end job and I don't really know anyone here and have no plans to get to know anyone. The problem is that I don't find a compelling reason to buy a house and move out of my comfortable one bedroom rental apartment, which at times I find too big for me. I don't see a point in moving out of this town or finding another job, not that I am happy no I don't even know what happiness is anymore. I just dont see how moving on to supposedly better things in life will make me feel any different.....

3- I finally was able to work at my dream job, just to get used to it and realize that it was not all dreamy after all, its just a fucking job....

4- All my friends are slipping away from my fingers, one by one. Be it moving, getting married, having babies or you know just plain growing up and moving on. My mom said the other day of a group of them who don't include me in their "group, " anymore :" Well they were good for you in your lonely times, those times are over now..." But aren't all your friends are the people who are good for you in your lonely times? And if you lose them all, wouldn't you be lonely all over again?

5- I asked a magic-8 ball " Will I end up living happily ever after ?" It responded :" NO..."
 Then I asked :" Will I lead a miserable life ?" It responded :" Probably.."
 Then I asked :" Will I ever die?" It responded :" Only Time Will Tell.."
     
6- I keep thinking what would I do with my life, if I was to die in a year? And I keep coming up with the answer :" Nothing, I will just do what I am doing now."
   I even realized that I will not stop contributing to my retirement account, because honestly nothing is certain in this world even death. What if I survive it and want to retire as soon as I can?