"It is a lonely idea, a lonely condition, so terrifying to think of that we usually don't. And so we talk to each other, write and wire each other, call each other short and long distance across land and sea, clasp hands with each other at meeting and at parting, fight each other and even destroy each other because of this always somewhat thwarted effort to break through walls to each other. As a character in a play once said, "We're all of us sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skins."
Personal lyricism is the outcry of prisoner to prisoner from the cell in solitary where each is confined for the duration of his life."

Tennessee Williams 

  The modern world is indeed a lonely world, its uncharted territories for us human beings. Never in human history man (woman) had to take care of all her/his affairs on his/her own.  Not so long ago, the marriages were arranged and were for land or some other property. Falling in and out of love, the heart breaks , the misunderstandings the betrayals all belonged to stories not real life. Marriage was a practical contract.
  Job was what you did in your parents farm, or whatever your father did and you took over. The relationship was confined to the people that you grew up with and would die with...
  And now we are on our own, we have to pick a job ,a partner (or more), friends, home.  Its called choices, and choices belong to the modern world. And our choices is what is making us lonely and miserable

   

Hospitals feel like a battle field, you are at the front all the time, getting shot at.... I just wanted to go to the Jacuzzi and relax, until i dipped my toes in the pool. The water was warm and nice and so was the weather and I knew I needed to dive in, and I did. I swam vigorously; for half an hour. Front crawl, back stroke , breast stroke, butterfly all four of them. I haven't swam so vigorously since undergraduate when I would practice 8 hours a day with my team. All those practices made me hate swimming for a long time, well to paraphrase it , it made me not enjoy swimming for a long time. But I needed it , there was a lot of anger inside of me that needed to come out. Today I was a college kid who needed to prove something to the world... Deep down I even wished that other people see me while doing my butterfly strokes....

Labels: Hospital diary

I ran into Sergio and he told me that I look like I am not enjoying my job at all, and I just shook my head :"No its just a case of mondays.." and walked away. And then I broke into tears walking towards the units, I did not want to go on anymore. All I wanted to do was to walk to my boss' office give my notice and then drive back home to my old job, where I knew everyone and everything and I can live an ordinary life making a whole lot more money.
But as I always do I walked to the unit to finish my job. I sat for hours, went through charts, labs, x-rays, talked to Dr.V about our new case. And somehow I pulled through and walked back to my desk feeling ok.
This job is getting under my skin, it is sucking all of my emotional energy out of me. Nobody knows though, my poker face is all that I have left .
But then I am happy, its a different kind of happiness, I have never felt it before. Equilibrium is all I can say about this feeling.
Everyday I feel like an intern who is being pushed to learn new things, even the occasional melt downs reminds me of pharmacy schools. When you are new to something you just do not know how to handle your emotions, the first time I went to ICU I sat outside and cried along the woman who was losing her husband of 25 years..
At the end of the day I saw an ambulance going to admissions, a new patient was there. And I wondered if she/he is diabetic, has uncontrolled hypertension, psychotic, or suffers from chronic constipation?
I have arrived, this is my life from now on....

Labels: Hospital diary